In the aftermath of our de novo discovery of "private prayer language," Praisegod Research is proud to announce the discovery of an entire new suite of spiritual gifts at work among Southern Baptists:
- Private Evangelist. An overwhelming number of Southern Baptists report that they possess the gift of being a "private evangelist." They share the gospel, just not with anybody publicly. "Sometimes the Holy Spirit just comes upon me while I'm watching TV and I repeat the Roman Road out loud to nobody in particular," reported one practitioner.
- Private Giving. An equally impressive number claimed to practice the charisma of private giving. In this practice, rather than giving to the church or to another person in need, the Christian simply gives to himself. The practice of this gift is actually rather robust, with more than half of the practitioners reporting that they privately give to themselves more than 90% of their income.
- Private Helps. A great many Christians are proficient at helping themselves privately to all manner of things.
- Private Ministry. "The gift of private ministry is so liberating," one participant elucidated, "because the other people involved were always the real challenge for me in ministry to begin with. Once I was free to minister by myself to myself, I really saw my spiritual gift come into full bloom."
- Private Prophecy. This gift was popular among many pastors, who reported that prophetic private preaching was much less likely to make listeners uncomfortable than was the actual public utterance of a word on God's behalf.