Thursday, October 25, 2007

Exposé

After a lengthy undercover investigation, Praisegod Investigations has unearthed the following shocking example of high-level corruption at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary: President Paige Patterson has a reserved parking spot. The above photograph was taken by our hidden cameras earlier today. Our investigators have reason to believe that this parking space has been constructed and maintained by Cooperative Program dollars—thousands down through the years. What hubris! What waste! To think that, in the few short years of Patterson's tenure, we now have a presidential parking space! I ask you, my friends, did Jesus have a parking space? Furthermore, we have no record of anyone ever having heard the gospel on this parking space. And all of that asphalt is just contributing to global warming, by which the world may become a lifeless rock and the millennium be thwarted in just mere months from now. It just isn't like the old SWBTS any more, when Dr. Dilday parked his bicycle out in the student parking lots and hiked into his office like the rest of us. According to exclusive PGBB sources, no female president of SWBTS has ever had a reserved parking space. I guess this is just one of the perks for the "boys." Really, it just serves to illustrate the ills that plague the Southern Baptist Convention today. COOPERATION, my friends, is all about SHARING. Yet Dr. Patterson is apparently unwilling to share his parking space with anybody else. No wonder the seminary is in such an ungodly mess these days. Fundamentalists are all the same—misogynistic animals. We have been unable to confirm rumors that CP-funded seminary employees are required as a part of their job duties to keep people from parking in the wrong parking spaces, but rumors suggest that the employees in question may even be armed. With guns. Tomorrow I may take down my two SWBTS diplomas from my wall in shame.

14 comments:

Jack Maddox said...

It has even been rumored that PP and DP have their own exclusive PRIVATE bathrooms at Pecan Manor. Can you imagine my horror when hearing of such bourgeois type extravagance. What’s wrong with he PUBLIC restrooms that all the other students have to use. Even the profs frequent the 'for all' facilities. Thank God there are people like you who speak out against this kind of un called for spending and privilege. I for one will not be silent, I will speak for those who cannot...my motto from here out to Indy is this

"Return the Presidential Potty to the People!"

Anonymous said...

Bart, now you've done it! Things have been peaceful at the school but no, you had to stir the pot with this breaking news. The place will be swarming tomorrow with reporters.

How's a student suppose to get any studying done with such disruption? Learning Greek is hard enough without all the commotion going on.

And I thought you were a nice guy when I met you in San Antonio. You just can't keep a secret can you?

Yeah, you need to take down those diplomas and hang your head in shame!

Trish :-)

A Simple Student @ SWBTS said...

you should have either signed this exposé either:

Bart Cole

or

Ben Barber

;)

A Simple Student @ SWBTS who feels blessed when he gets the parking spot only a mile away ;)

Debra Smith said...

I thought to my self, "Hmmm...he looks familiar," when I nearly ran over you yesterday in said parking lot. Do be careful. Investigative blogging is a profession fraught with danger, especially when you face down seminary employees careening past the presidential parking spot.

I'm happy to read this expose', for it clears up a MAJOR misunderstanding for me. All this time, I've been thinking PRESIDENT was an acronym for Parking Rights Extended Solely In Dire Emergencies Necessitating Tire-changing. Whew.

:)

Tim Rogers said...

Let them eat cake! :>)

Blessings,
Tim

Bob Cleveland said...

Bart: To quote Robert Townsend, President of Avis when they started "Trying Harder", and author of "Up The Organization", who himself eschewed Assigned Parking Spots (other than for the mailboy):

"If you're all that important, you ought to get there first. Besides, you meet some nice people on the employee parking lot".

Can I get an AAAAAAAAmen?

Tim Guthrie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tim Guthrie said...

Bart,
Now that post was funny. I do agree however that you did sign your name wrong. We all know you are in cooperation with Ben and this now proves it.

:)

Great Friday post.

volfan007 said...

bart,

why, i'd imagine that dr. patterson even has walk in closets in pecan manor. doesnt he? this is something that you really need to dig into and then spend the next year and a half exposing to the world. private parking spaces, walk in closets, private bathrooms....what's next? a name plate on the desk?? paid for with cp money? bart, please check this out. report on this everyday.

david

A Simple Student @ SWBTS said...

While the blue Escalade and the silver Caddilac are often seen parked in this space, PP has been spotted "walking" the dog from time to time. When I say "walking," I mean riding alongside Noche on a golf cart. That must be the life!!!

A Simple Student @ SWBTS

P.S. In PP's defense, he usually smiles and nods his head and sometimes even says hello as he whips by on his four wheel wonder.

Anonymous said...

And to think his vehicle isn't even parked there when the picture was taken...

He must be slacking on his job. With all of the money we are paying him he should always be in the office.

A travesty I tell ya...

Bart Barber said...

Thanks to all for stopping by. And Debra...thanks just for stopping! :-)

volfan007 said...

my sources tell me that dr. p left his lights on past ten o'clock last nite. this is surely a waste of cp funds. he ought to be in bed by 10 o'clock. my sources will be watching pecan manor tonite to see how long his lights stay on. more info later.

david

Anonymous said...

Why didn't you post this at SBCOutpests.com? Are you letting that site die?